Understanding The Emotionally Unavailable Parents

Understanding emotionally unavailable parents
Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Parents


Having emotionally unavailable parents is a painful experience for many people. Even if these parents may care for their child’s physical needs, they find it challenging to connect with their child on an emotional level, which is essential for their healthy growth.

This lack of emotional sensitivity may negatively impact your sense of self, relationships, and general well-being.

This blog post aims to provide insight into the apparent indicators of emotionally unavailable parents, the potential consequences of growing up in such an environment, and practical advice to build fulfilling connections.

What Is An Emotionally Unavailable Parent?

A parent who finds establishing an emotional connection with you difficult is considered an emotionally unavailable parent. It could be difficult for you to feel close to them or to express your emotional needs since they look distant or detached. When you try to chat with them, you can discover that they don’t seem to nurture your feelings and provide emotional support.

These parents may have difficulty expressing their emotions or understanding yours, leaving you feeling misunderstood or neglected. You might crave their love and attention but find it hard to get through to them or to feel like they genuinely care about you.

A parent who is constantly aloof and emotionally detached is also called cold mother syndrome, cold father syndrome, or emotionally immature parents.

What Are The Types Of Emotionally Unavailable Parents?

Emotionally unavailable parents can come in many different forms, and their particular behaviors might affect how they interact with you. These are a few typical types:

The Distant Parent

Physically present but emotionally distant parents. They may be too busy with jobs, hobbies, or other commitments to engage emotionally. For instance, your father may work long hours and be too exhausted to talk to you about the day. Despite being together, you may feel emotionally distant from your parent.

The Critical Parent

This parent criticizes your feelings, opinions, and accomplishments abruptly. Instead of encouraging you, they may criticize your mistakes. Your mother may continuously criticize your appearance, grades, or choices, making you feel inferior. Their frequent criticism can lower your self-esteem and make you unwilling to talk to them.

The Absent Parent

This parent is absent physically or emotionally. Divorced, separated, or absent due to employment, substance abuse, etc. Your mother may have left when you were young, leaving your father or other carers to raise you. An emotional emptiness can leave you feeling abandoned and insecure, even if they’re not physically present.

15 signs of an emotionally unavailable parent

The child of an emotionally unavailable parent may suffer through the following setbacks;

  • Absence of affection or emotional expression towards you.
  • Struggle to understand your opinions or feelings.
  • They avoid meaningful conversations
  • Putting their wants and needs above yours.
  • Unstable or inconsistent presence in your life.
  • It would be best to have others acknowledge or appreciate your achievements.
  • Blaming you for their mistakes or problems.
  • Rarely express their own emotions freely.
  • Primarily focused on fulfilling their own needs.
  • Difficulty apologizing or taking responsibility for their actions.
  • May view spending quality time together as a burden.
  • Using guilt or manipulation to control your behavior.
  • Difficulty setting healthy boundaries
  • Privacy is highly valued, and open communication is discouraged.
  • Tendency to shut down or withdraw during conflicts or disagreements.

Effects Of Emotionally Unavailable Parents on the child’s mental growth

Children of emotionally unavailable parents can cause psychosomatic symptoms, internalizing and externalizing symptoms, delays in development, and decreased mental health. Below are some signs your parents were emotionally unavailable;

  • Low self-esteem
  • Difficulty trusting others
  • Difficulty forming secure attachment style
  • Codependency and unhealthy relationship patterns.
  • Depression and other mental health issues
  • Difficulty expressing your own emotions.
  • Difficulty setting personal goals.
  • Fear of abandonment and intimacy issues.
  • Development of maladaptive coping mechanisms.
  • Emotional numbness or detachment.
  • Persistent feelings of loneliness and isolation.
  • Impaired social and communication skills.
  • Increased risk of engaging in abusive relationships.

How to heal from an emotionally unavailable parent

It can be challenging to recover from the effects of emotionally unavailable parents, but it is achievable with patience, perseverance, and support. The following actions can help you start the healing process:

According to the outcomes of a study conducted in 2017, the emotional availability of both the father and the mother was associated with favorable outcomes in terms of mental health, emotional regulation, relationship success, and social support as children met with adulthood. Below are some strategies to heal from the effects of having emotionally unavailable parents.

Cultivate supportive relationships

Be in the company of individuals who love and support you without conditions who accept you for who you are. The impacts of emotional unavailability can be reduced, and a source of consolation and validation can be found by developing a solid support network.

Let go of unrealistic expectations.

You cannot change them or make them emotionally available, no matter how much you want to. Instead, accept their flaws and issues. Releasing the expectation to change your parent will help you overcome the disappointment and anger of holding out hope for something that might never develop.

Understand that their emotional unavailability stems from their own personal challenges and limitations rather than a reflection of your worth.

Change your perception

Think about the generational context in which your parent grew up. Consider how family relationships, cultural expectations, and societal conventions shaped their attitudes and actions.

Determine whether your parent has any unresolved previous trauma. You can better understand their behavior and see that they might be repeating patterns they picked up from their upbringing and understanding of your parent’s difficulties.

Focus on your own healing.

It would be best if you concentrate on your healing. Give yourself the time and assets to support your personal development and emotional well-being. Engage in self-care activities that uplift your soul, including meditation, physical activity, or hobby.

Spend as much time as possible with emotionally available people who will support and encourage you, including family, friends, or a mental health professional therapist. You may be able to via self-reflection and connecting with your inner child.heal 

Build a support system of individuals who value and accept you for who you are. Take up hobbies and pursuits that make you happy and fulfilled, such as volunteerism or artistic endeavors. Putting money into your own healing enables you to overcome difficulties and grow resilient.

The emotional availability assessment

The emotional availability assessment by Dr. Zeynep Biringen assesses the sensitivity, structure, non-intrusiveness, and non-hostility of parent-child interactions. The involvement and response of the youngster are also taken into account.

Based on these results, parents are classified as complicated, emotionally available, disconnected, or troublesome. While problematic parents might occasionally display warmth, emotionally available parents behave in a nurturing manner.

Problematic parents neglect their children and may show animosity, while detached parents seem distant. This evaluation offers perceptions of the relationships between parents and children, directing interventions to promote positive attachments.

Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents

Adult children of emotionally immature parents may suffer from mental health issues due to the emotional neglect they endured.

Depression, anxiety disorders, and low self-esteem are among the problems that can be exacerbated by emotional neglect and a lack of support. These people could have trouble establishing healthy relationships, controlling their emotions, and leading fulfilling lives.

Moreover, ongoing stress brought on by resolving unresolved emotional issues from childhood raised by emotionally unavailable narcissistic parents can make mental health problems worse. Below are some examples;

  • Anxiety disorders (such as generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or panic disorder)
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or childhood trauma
  • Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
  • Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD)
  • Narcissistic personality disorder

Online Resources for Further Study

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