6 Ways To Stop Getting Emotional Shut Down During Arguments

Has there ever been a day when your heart wanted to hide and curl up? When everything around you feels too noisy, demanding, or overpowering, all you want to do is hide away. You have likely had what psychologists refer to as an “emotional shut down” if this sounds familiar.

This phenomenon is common, despite the fact that it is frequently misunderstood, and it has important ramifications for our relationships and mental health. Thus, let’s explore what it is, why it occurs, and—above all—how we can more effectively negotiate these emotional waters.

What is an Emotional Shut down?

A person who suppresses their emotions, effectively becoming emotionally numb, is said to be emotionally shut down. When the emotional load becomes too much to bear, this frequently occurs as a protective strategy during periods of extreme stress, anxiety, or trauma.

An emotional shutdown, like stonewalling and dissociation, can take many forms, including social disengagement, a reduction in communication, or a lack of emotional responses. A person’s mental health and interpersonal connections may suffer from persistent emotional shut down, despite the fact that it may offer momentary respite.

Physical Manifestation of Emotional Shut down

Cortisol and adrenaline, the body’s primary stress hormones, play a vital role in emotional shut down. While they are essential for short-term stress, chronic emotional shut downs can lead to health issues. Managing emotional shutdown is crucial for healthier relationships and preventing adverse health effects from chronic stress.

According to a 2016 study that monitored 156 couples for 15 years, the emotional shutdown was linked to acute musculoskeletal complaints such as backaches, stiff necks, and generalized muscle pains.^[3]

Related: How To Heal Emotional Triggers: 7 Easy Hacks That Will Blow Your Mind

Symptoms of Emotional shut down

Signs of emotional shut down on your behavior:

• People who lack emotional response may not be able to experience happiness, sorrow, or other feelings.
• They may experience a sense of disconnection or detachment as if they are looking at their own lives through a glass wall or from a distance.
• Some people may feel tingly or emotionally numb, and this might be accompanied by physical symptoms.
• Memory or attention issues. Emotional shutdown can impact cognitive abilities.
• Insufficient enthusiasm or drive. Once enjoyable activities may no longer be as appealing.
• Fatigue, stomachaches, and headaches are common physical complaints that are unclear or inexplicable.
• Feeling emotionally spent all the time is known as emotional tiredness.
• Emotional exhaustion. A feeling of being emotionally drained all the time.
• Lack of interest in plans. They may not be concerned about or predict future occurrences or results.
• Lack of ability to communicate feelings. The inability to communicate feelings or emotions when it is normally acceptable.

Emotional Shut down As A Self Coping Mechanism

A common self-coping strategy used by the mind to shield oneself from emotional distress or trauma is emotional shut-down. Emotional shutdown or disconnect is a state in which our brains momentarily turn off our emotions when we are faced with situations that are beyond our emotional threshold.

Similar to the body’s natural reaction to danger, this is a fight-or-flight or freeze response.

This emotional disengagement can help us deal with a stressful circumstance right away, but if it persists over time, it can become troublesome. Frequent emotional shutdowns may impair our capacity to establish and sustain good relationships as well as cause many mental health problems, such as anxiety and sadness.

Gaining an understanding of this might be the first step toward building emotional resilience and more useful coping mechanisms.

Why do people get emotionally shut down?

Dysfunctional relationships and interpersonal problems can cause an emotional shutdown that leaves us feeling irritated, powerless, and alienated. Longing for safety and understanding can result from ongoing conflicts, criticism, or emotional neglect.

For some, certain mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or personality disorders can make emotional shut down more likely. These conditions can make it challenging to process and communicate emotions effectively, intensifying the need to withdraw.

The emotional shutdown is influenced by societal and cultural variables. Following these expectations can cause us to suppress our feelings in cultures that see emotional display as a sign of weakness.

It’s critical to comprehend the underlying causes of the emotional shutdown. It gives us the confidence to ask for the help we need and create healthy coping mechanisms.

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John Gottman Theory

Stonewalling, or emotional shut down, is one of the “Four Horsemen” that might foretell relationship failure, according to renowned psychologist and relationship specialist John Gottman.

In high-stress or high-conflict circumstances, people turn to emotional shut down or numbness as a way to avoid overpowering feelings, according to Gottman. This coping strategy might make the other partner feel rejected and alone, which intensifies the argument.

According to Gottman, self-soothing is the remedy for stonewalling, in which the person experiencing overwhelming emotions takes a moment to de-stress and calm down before rejoining the conversation.

What is Stonewalling?

During difficult conversations or confrontations, stonewalling is a protective communication strategy that is frequently employed. Stonewalling is when someone willfully avoids having a conversation, providing relevant information, or addressing problems.

Avoiding questions, being unresponsive, or giving silent treatment are some examples of how this can appear. Although it’s a typical occurrence in social interactions, if left unchecked, stonewalling can worsen disputes and cause communication to break down.

Causes of Stonewalling

• Causes of Stonewalling:
• Response to intense conflict or criticism
• Protection mechanism against perceived threats or overwhelm
• A coping mechanism to avoid emotional discomfort
• Relationship dynamics and avoidance of confrontations
• Personal temperament and past experiences
• Coping strategy for individuals with certain personality traits or those who have experienced trauma or rejection
• Influenced by societal norms and expectations, such as self-reliance and stoicism
• Understanding the causes helps in recognizing and seeking appropriate support or intervention.

Often, stonewalling is a behavior adopted during one’s formative years. It could be a strategy witnessed by parental figures to maintain harmony within the family or assert control over family dynamics.

Despite the seemingly intentional and aggressive nature of stonewalling, it’s critical to understand that it’s frequently employed by individuals grappling with powerlessness or low self-esteem.

Stonewalling might serve as a coping mechanism in these cases, providing an avenue for compensating for such feelings.

Emotional Shut down in Arguments

Emotional shut down during arguments can take various forms:

1. Conversational Disengagement
2. Defensive Shutdown
3. Aggressive Shutdown
4. Indifferent Shutdown
5. Manipulative Shutdown

1. Conversational Disengagement 

When someone withdraws from a conversation, limits their participation, or avoids meaningful interaction during a discussion, this is referred to as conversational disengagement.

Often used as a coping mechanism during difficult or awkward interactions, this practice can hinder communication and make it more difficult to resolve issues.

 Examples

1. Silent Treatment. When someone replies to a discussion or argument by remaining silent and declining to add anything more, it’s a common example of conversational disengagement.
2. Ignoring. This shows that you are not interested in or concerned about the conversation, as well as failing to acknowledge the other person’s words or inquiries.
3. Physical Disengagement. When someone physically leaves the conversation, like by turning away or leaving the room, this is known as physical disengagement.
4. Changing the Subject. Here, the person purposefully changes the subject of the discussion to avoid bringing up the current problem or disagreement.
5. Using Electronic Devices. A person may show that they are not interested in the current conversation by focusing on electronic gadgets like laptops or smartphones.

2. Defensive Shut down 

When someone becomes extremely defensive and refuses to hear the other side of an argument or conversation, it’s known as a defensive shut down. When people feel attacked or criticized, they use this self-defense technique, but it prevents candid and constructive dialogue.

Examples:

1. Denial. This entails flatly rejecting the reality of a problem or issue. Any attempt at resolution is thwarted by the person’s refusal to acknowledge the situation.
2. Deflection. Deflection is when someone places the blame on someone or something else rather than dealing with the problem. This evades accountability and may lead to more disputes.
3. Rationalization. In this case, the person rationalizes their behavior or actions rather than taking into account the thoughts or feelings of others. They come up with rational if frequently false, justifications for their actions.
4. Counter-attack. This is launching an attack of one’s own in retaliation for a perceived attack. Instead of confronting the problem, the individual retaliates, intensifying the dispute.
5. Victimizing Self. When someone pretends to be the victim to deflect criticism and attention from their own behavior, this is known as victimizing oneself.

4. Aggressive Shut down

An aggressive shut down is when someone uses hostile behaviors or methods to conclude a discussion or dispute abruptly. Anger, frustration, or an inability to properly express one’s thoughts and feelings are frequently the root causes. This method exacerbates disputes and destroys relationships by interfering with candid and constructive conversation.

  Examples

1. Yelling. Yelling is a typical kind of aggressive shutdown in which a person raises their voice to an extreme loudness. In addition to intimidating the other person into quiet, this is frequently used to vent rage or irritation.
2. Sarcasm. In this instance, the person exhibits passive-aggressive behavior by undermining the other person’s point of view through sarcastic comments or humor.
3. Over-Talk. When one side talks nonstop without allowing the other to speak, they are engaging in an aggressive shut-down that effectively silences their viewpoint.
4. Sarcastic, disparaging, or dismissive remarks that minimize the other person’s viewpoint, emotions, or worries are known as dismissive remarks.
5. Threats. To abruptly end the conversation, the person may use threats or other forms of intimidation in severe situations.

5. Indifferent Shut down

The term “indifferent shut down” describes the act of emotionally removing oneself from a discussion or dispute, demonstrating a lack of interest or care for the subject or the feelings of the other person. This can be a protective tactic to avoid awkward situations or conflict, but it can also be interpreted as disrespect or a lack of empathy, which impedes constructive dialogue.

Examples

1. Disinterest. The person may act casually or fail to answer correctly, demonstrating a clear lack of interest in the discussion. This could be interpreted as condescending or heartless.
2. Simple or generic responses. such as “whatever” or “I don’t care,” are examples of superficial shut downs that show a lack of interest or commitment to finding a solution.
3. Closed-off body language. like crossed arms or averted looks, can be used by someone to indicate that they are not interested in the conversation.
4. Monosyllabic Responses. Providing succinct, one-word responses is another typical manifestation of indifferent shutdown. Such answers stifle in-depth conversation and project disinterest.
5. Unresponsive or delayed communication occurs when someone doesn’t react to inquiries promptly or at all, which conveys a lack of interest.

6. Manipulative Shut down

The use of manipulative strategies to steer a discussion or argument is known as “manipulative shut down.” To change views, escape accountability, or obtain an unfair advantage, entails dishonest or exploitative behavior to sway the conversation in a particular direction. This strategy can damage communication relationships by encouraging distrust and animosity.

EXAMPLES

1. By making someone doubt their memory, perception, or sanity, gaslighting is a manipulative technique that shifts the subject of the conversation.
2. When someone is guilty-tripping, they try to control or sway the discourse. By implying that the other person is making them unhappy or disappointed, they may divert attention away from the real problem.
3. When someone manipulates, threatens, or utilizes their own emotions to coerce another person into agreeing to their demands, this is known as emotional blackmail.
4. Playing Dumb. This is when someone acts as though they don’t comprehend the problem in order to avoid talking about or handling it.
5. Changing the subject of a conversation or fabricating information to support one’s position is known as diverting and distorting, and it can steer a conversation in the wrong direction.

Emotional Shut down As a Barrier to Self-Growth

Personal development might be seriously hampered by the emotional shutdown. It prevents people from understanding themselves, interferes with constructive dialogue, and limits their capacity to establish and preserve satisfying relationships.

When someone uses emotional shutdown as a coping strategy on a regular basis, they could be caught in a vicious circle of ineffective behavior. Stasis may result, in obstructing any significant emotional or personal development.

Also, if left untreated, ineffective emotional expression or management can result in elevated stress, anxiety, and mental health problems. Overcoming emotional shutdown promotes resilience, emotional intelligence, and general personal development.

Overcoming Emotional Shut down: Steps and Strategies

Effective communication, self-awareness, and comprehension are necessary to overcome emotional shutdown. The following actions and tactics are listed:

Being self-aware means knowing when you are about to shut down emotionally. Keep an eye out for physical indicators, such as elevated heart rate or a sense of overwhelm. Recognizing these emotions may be the first step in dealing with them.

Determine the underlying problems or experiences that lead to an emotional shutdown to comprehend the root cause. This might be the result of unsolved disputes or past tragedies.

Practicing mindfulness can help you control your immediate emotional reaction to the shutdown. Mindfulness practices include deep breathing and meditation. It can also have a relaxing effect, which makes it easier to make decisions.

Express Feelings Constructively. Try to communicate your thoughts and feelings in an honest, open, and constructive way rather than turning to shut-down habits. Using “I” phrases to communicate your emotions without placing blame on others may be one way to do this.

Seek expert Assistance. Consulting a mental health expert, such as a therapist, may be helpful if the emotional shutdown is substantially disrupting your relationships or causing you great discomfort. To overcome these obstacles, they can offer direction, therapeutic techniques, and assistance.

Frequently Asked Questions

References

1. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01534/full
2. Fischer DJ, Fink BC. Clinical processes in behavioral couples therapy. Psychotherapy (Chic). 2014;51(1):11-4. doi:10.1037/a0033823(opens in a new tab)Fischer DJ, Fink BC. Clinical processes in behavioral couples therapy. Psychotherapy (Chic). 2014;51(1):11-4. doi:10.1037/a0033823
3. Haase CM, Holley SR, Bloch L, Verstaen A, Levenson RW. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion. 2016;16(7):965-977. doi:10.1037/a0040239(opens in a new tab)Haase CM, Holley SR, Bloch L, Verstaen A, Levenson RW. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion. 2016;16(7):965-977. doi:10.1037/a0040239