Circle of Control vs. Circle of Influence: What’s the Difference?

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist, wrote about personal choice in Man’s Search for Meaning. Drawing on his experiences in Nazi concentration camps, he described how people could still have some freedom in their attitude toward circumstances they could not change.¹

Stephen Covey discussed a related idea in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He described the Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence to explain why we sometimes spend so much time worrying about decisions we have little say in.²

Circle of Control: What You Can Decide for Yourself

The Circle of Control includes the decisions and actions that are yours to make. These are things you can choose without depending on someone else to make the decision for you.

Think about your daily routine. You can decide how to organise your time, which responsibilities to handle first, and when to take a break. You may have a busy schedule, but you can still decide how to manage the time available to you.

Your personal boundaries also belong here. You can decide what you are comfortable with, how much responsibility you are willing to take on, and when you need to say no.

However, making your own decisions doesn’t mean you will always feel comfortable with them. You might refuse a request because you already have too much to do, yet still feel guilty about disappointing someone.

Instead of judging yourself for that feeling, consider why you made the decision. Are you respecting your own limits, or are you making choices mainly to avoid someone else’s disappointment?

Example: Deciding How to Spend Your Weekend

Imagine you’ve had a tiring week, and several people invite you to different activities over the weekend. You would like to attend, but you also know you need time to rest and take care of personal tasks.

You cannot decide whether others will be disappointed if you decline their invitations. However, you can choose which plans to accept, explain your decision, and keep some time for yourself.

You might say, “I’d love to join you another time, but I need this weekend to catch up on a few things.”

You may still feel uncomfortable saying no. That doesn’t mean you have to change your decision.

If you want to practise identifying your own choices, use this Circle of Control worksheet.

Circle of Influence: Where Your Actions May Make a Difference

The Circle of Influence includes situations where your actions may affect what happens, but the final decision also depends on other people.

You might share an idea, make a request, explain your concerns, or suggest a different approach. These actions give others something to consider, but they don’t guarantee that people will agree with you.

This is particularly relevant in relationships. You can tell someone what you need, listen to their concerns, and explain why a particular issue matters. However, you cannot decide how they will respond.

Sometimes people understand your point but still disagree. Other times, they may need more time to think about what you’ve said.

Pay attention to what you do when someone doesn’t respond as expected. Do you allow them time to consider your suggestion, or do you keep bringing it up because you want a particular answer?

Recognising this difference can help you communicate without taking responsibility for another person’s decisions.

You may also find these perspective-taking examples useful for understanding why two people can have different views of the same situation.

Example: Asking for Changes to a Shared Household Budget

Suppose you share household expenses with other family members. You’ve noticed that a large part of the monthly budget goes towards subscriptions and services that nobody uses regularly.

You can review the expenses, explain what you’ve noticed, and suggest cancelling a few subscriptions.

Other family members may agree, ask questions, or prefer to keep some services.

You have contributed an idea and explained your reasons, but the final decision depends on everyone involved.

The useful part is recognising that you can raise a concern and take part in the discussion without expecting everyone to agree immediately.

Circle of Concern: What Matters but Isn’t Yours to Decide

The Circle of Concern includes things that matter to you but may be beyond your ability to change. These can involve other people’s choices, unexpected events, financial conditions, or wider issues that affect your life.

Recognising that something is outside your control doesn’t mean you have to stop caring about it.

You may be worried about a situation even after doing everything reasonably available to you. You might feel disappointed, frustrated, or uncertain about what happens next.

Research by Rothbaum, Weisz, and Snyder, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, explored two ways people experience control: trying to change their circumstances and adjusting themselves to circumstances they cannot readily change.³

This research offers a useful way to understand acceptance. Sometimes you can work towards changing a situation. At other times, you may need to adjust your plans or find another way forward. The researchers did not study Covey’s three-circle model directly.

When something stays on your mind, ask yourself what you are actually waiting for. Is there an action you can still take, or are you trying to settle something that depends on circumstances outside your control?

Developing emotional awareness can help you recognise what you are feeling before deciding how to respond.

Example: When Bad Weather Changes Your Travel Plans

Imagine you’ve planned an outdoor trip with your family. You’ve booked accommodation, arranged transport, and looked forward to spending a few days away.

A few days before departure, the weather forecast changes and heavy rain is expected.

You cannot change the weather or decide whether travel conditions will be safe. However, you can check official updates, contact your accommodation provider, and consider changing your travel dates.

You may feel disappointed because you’ve spent time planning the trip. You don’t need to pretend that the disappointment isn’t there.

You can acknowledge how you feel while considering the options still available to you.

Sometimes accepting a situation simply means recognising that your original plan may not work and deciding what to do next.

Cheng, Lau and Chan examined coping flexibility in a meta-analysis of 329 studies involving 58,946 participants. Their findings showed a positive relationship between coping flexibility and psychological adjustment. This suggests that being able to adjust your approach to different situations is worth considering. However, the study did not examine the Circle of Concern specifically.⁴

Control vs. Influence vs. Concern: Key Differences

The difference between the Circle of Control, Circle of Influence, and Circle of Concern comes down to how much say you have in a particular situation.

You may be able to make a decision yourself, contribute to an outcome involving other people, or care about something without having a practical way to change it.

Circle	What it means	What you can do
Circle of Control	Your own decisions, actions, and responses.	Set a personal boundary, manage your time, or choose how to respond.
Circle of Influence	Situations where your actions may affect another person’s response or a shared outcome.	Share your views, make suggestions, negotiate, or ask for cooperation.
Circle of Concern	Matters that affect you but may be beyond your ability to change.	Acknowledge your feelings, seek support, stay informed, or adjust your plans where possible.

A simple way to understand the difference

Imagine your local community is planning changes to a shared public space.

• Control: You can decide whether to attend the community meeting and prepare your suggestions.
• Influence: You can explain your concerns, discuss possible improvements, and encourage other residents to support your proposal.
• Concern: You cannot decide what the local authorities ultimately approve or how quickly the work gets completed.

Notice that these circles aren’t always completely separate. A situation may involve all three at once, and something that initially seems outside your control may offer an opportunity to influence what happens.

The distinction also has a connection with the psychological concept of locus of control. However, the two ideas aren’t identical. Locus of control concerns how people view the relationship between their actions and outcomes, while Covey’s three-circle model helps you consider where to direct your efforts in a particular situation.

The important point is that you don’t have to take responsibility for every outcome to take responsibility for your own choices.

How to Use the Three Circles in Everyday Life

The Circle of Control, Circle of Influence, and Circle of Concern become easier to understand when you apply them to situations you deal with regularly.

The difficult part isn’t always knowing what you can control. Sometimes you know exactly what you can do, but you keep thinking about how someone else might react or whether things will turn out the way you hoped.

When this happens, look at the situation in three parts:

• What belongs to me? Your decisions, actions, words, and personal boundaries.
• Where can I have a say? Situations where your involvement may affect another person’s response.
• What isn’t mine to decide? Other people’s choices, unexpected events, and outcomes that depend on several factors.

You don’t need to force every situation into one circle immediately. Some problems involve all three, and your options may become clearer as you get more information.

Here are four situations that show how you can use the model without taking responsibility for things that belong to someone else.

When Someone Doesn’t Respond to You

You ask someone a question that matters to you, but they don’t give you an answer. Perhaps you need to know whether they can help with something, or you’re waiting for them to confirm a plan.

As time passes, you may find yourself bringing up the subject again, checking whether they’ve seen your message, or asking another person what they think is happening.

Before doing any of that, consider what you actually know. You know that you haven’t received an answer. You don’t necessarily know why.

You can look at the situation through the three circles:

• Circle of Control: You can decide whether to ask again, explain why you need an answer, or make another arrangement.
• Circle of Influence: You can tell the person that their response would help you make a decision and give them a reasonable opportunity to reply.
• Circle of Concern: You cannot decide whether they will respond, what they think about your request, or how quickly they will make up their mind.

Pay attention to your own response while waiting. Are you giving the person time to answer, or are you repeatedly returning to the same question because the uncertainty is bothering you?

If you notice that you often revisit conversations to work out what someone meant, our article on replaying past conversations in your head explores this behaviour in more detail.

The point is not to assume that someone’s silence means nothing. It is to avoid deciding what it means before you have enough information.

When You Receive Difficult Feedback

Imagine you’re presenting an idea at work, and a colleague points out that some parts haven’t been properly thought through. You may have spent several days preparing, so hearing this in front of others can feel uncomfortable.

Your first reaction might be to explain every decision you made. You may also become quiet or stop contributing because you don’t want further criticism.

Neither reaction tells you whether the feedback is fair. It simply shows that the conversation has affected you.

Consider the three circles:

• Circle of Control: You can decide whether to ask questions, consider the points raised, and explain anything that has been misunderstood.
• Circle of Influence: You can provide further information and discuss what changes would make the idea more useful.
• Circle of Concern: You cannot decide how every colleague will view your work or whether everyone will support your proposal.

A useful distinction here is between taking feedback seriously and accepting every comment as correct.

For example, you might agree that your proposal needs clearer figures but disagree with someone’s suggestion about how the whole project should be managed. You can consider both points without treating them as equally useful.

If you notice that even small corrections stay with you long after a conversation has ended, you may find our article on why you might hate being corrected relevant.

When You’re Waiting for an Important Decision

You have completed an application for something important, such as a professional licence or university admission. All the required documents have been submitted, and now the decision rests with the organisation.

You may start checking the application portal several times a day. Even when the status hasn’t changed, you keep returning to it because you want to know where things stand.

The three circles can help you look at this period more clearly.

• Circle of Control: You can keep copies of your documents, check that your contact details are correct, and prepare for the next stage if required.
• Circle of Influence: You can contact the admissions or licensing office to clarify a missing detail or ask about the expected decision date.
• Circle of Concern: You cannot decide how the organisation evaluates applications or what its final decision will be.

One thing worth noticing is whether your repeated checking is giving you useful information. If the organisation hasn’t updated your application, checking it again shortly afterwards may not change anything.

You could choose a specific time to review the status and use the rest of your day for other responsibilities.

You may still feel uncertain. That is understandable when the decision matters to you. You don’t have to pretend that waiting is easy, but you can avoid putting everything else on hold.

When Someone You Love Makes a Different Choice

A close friend tells you that they no longer want to follow a shared plan. Perhaps you had both agreed to start a small business together, but they have now decided to pursue another opportunity.

You may feel let down because you had already started making arrangements. You might also feel that they should have discussed the decision with you earlier.

Before assuming that you can persuade them to change their mind, consider what each person is responsible for.

• Circle of Control: You can explain how the change affects you, decide whether to continue with your own plans, and work out what you need to do next.
• Circle of Influence: You can ask whether there is room for another arrangement or discuss whether they would be willing to reconsider some parts of the original plan.
• Circle of Concern: You cannot decide whether they want to continue working with you or whether they will choose the opportunity they have been offered.

Sometimes the hardest part is accepting that another person can make a decision that affects you without choosing what you would have preferred.

You can express your disappointment without making them responsible for resolving every feeling that follows. You can also decide whether the original plan still makes sense without their involvement.

This is where self-accountability becomes relevant: you can take responsibility for your next steps without accepting responsibility for someone else’s choices.

How to Work Through Difficult Feelings When You Have No Control

Recognising that something is outside your control doesn’t mean you will immediately feel comfortable with it.

You might understand why a situation cannot be changed and still feel angry about it. You might accept another person’s decision but need time to adjust to what it means for your relationship.

In emotional wellness work, an important part of this process is helping people notice what they are feeling before deciding how to respond. Otherwise, the desire to change an uncomfortable situation can become stronger than the ability to consider what is actually helpful.

Research by Cheng, Lau, and Chan found a positive relationship between coping flexibility and psychological adjustment.[4] Their findings suggest that adapting your approach to different circumstances is relevant to how people manage stressful life changes. The research did not specifically test the Circle of Control model.

You can put this idea into practice through a few simple steps.

Notice What Is Bothering You

Instead of immediately trying to solve the situation, identify what has upset you.

Are you disappointed because something didn’t happen as expected? Are you frustrated because someone ignored your request? Or are you worried about what might happen next?

These feelings may look similar from the outside, but they can involve different needs.

For example, disappointment may mean you need time to adjust, while frustration may point towards something you still need to communicate.

Separate What Happened From What You Fear

When a situation is uncertain, it is easy to mix actual events with possible explanations.

Suppose a friend tells you that they need some distance. You know they have asked for space, but you may also start thinking that the friendship is ending or that you’ve done something unforgivable.

Those possibilities may feel real, but you don’t yet know whether they are true.

Try to separate what the person actually said from the meaning you’re giving it. This gives you a clearer starting point for deciding whether you need a conversation, more information, or time to think.

Understand What You Need Before Taking Action

Sometimes you focus so much on what another person should do that you overlook what you need yourself.

You may want an apology, but perhaps you also need an honest explanation. You may want someone to change their behaviour, but you might first need to decide what you will do if it continues.

Ask yourself:

• What would help me feel clearer about this situation?
• Is there something I haven’t communicated?
• Am I expecting another person to make a decision that belongs to me?
• What can I do if the situation remains unchanged?

These questions help you look at your own needs rather than spending all your attention on someone else’s response.

Give Yourself Time Before Making a Decision

Not every difficult situation needs an immediate answer.

If you are upset, you may find it helpful to wait before sending a message, agreeing to something, or making a major decision.

This doesn’t mean avoiding the problem. It means giving yourself enough time to understand what you want to say and whether your next step reflects what matters to you.

Accept That Some Feelings Take Time to Settle

You may understand a situation today and still feel upset about it tomorrow. That doesn’t mean you haven’t made progress.

Acceptance isn’t the same as liking what happened or agreeing with another person’s decision. It means recognising the situation as it stands while deciding how you want to respond.

If you are finding it difficult to recognise your emotional reactions, our guide to emotional awareness offers further insight.

The purpose of the three circles isn’t to make you stop caring about things you cannot decide. It is to help you recognise your own responsibilities, communicate where you have a say, and give yourself room to deal with what you cannot change.

Common Mistakes When Using the Three Circles

The Circle of Control, Circle of Influence, and Circle of Concern can help you understand your role in a difficult situation. However, it’s easy to misunderstand the model, especially when emotions are involved.

You might know that another person’s behaviour is outside your control but still spend time trying to change it. Or you might assume that accepting a situation means you shouldn’t question it.

Here are five mistakes worth recognising when using the three circles.

1. Expecting Yourself to Stop Feeling Upset

You may understand that a situation cannot be changed, yet still feel angry, sad, or disappointed about it.

For example, imagine that an important family tradition is coming to an end because people can no longer meet as they used to. You understand the reasons, but you miss the time you spent together.

You might tell yourself that there’s no point in feeling sad because nothing can be done. But understanding a situation and feeling comfortable with it are two different things.

You can accept that something has changed without expecting yourself to stop missing it. Your feelings deserve attention even when there is no immediate solution.

2. Believing That Good Communication Will Always Change Someone’s Mind

You explain your position carefully, answer questions, and try to understand the other person’s concerns. Yet they continue to disagree.

At this point, you may start changing your words, offering more explanations, or bringing up the subject again because you think there’s something you haven’t explained properly.

Sometimes a disagreement isn’t about poor communication. The other person may understand your position and simply have different priorities.

The Circle of Influence reminds you that expressing your views is your part of the discussion. Agreement is not something you can demand.

3. Giving Up Before Looking at Your Options

Sometimes you place a problem in your Circle of Concern because the first solution you considered didn’t work.

Imagine that your professional qualification isn’t accepted by an employer. You may assume that this closes the door to the position altogether.

However, you could ask whether additional documents are accepted, whether another qualification meets the requirements, or whether there are other roles available.

You cannot change the employer’s requirements yourself, but you can check whether another route is available.

Before deciding that nothing can be done, look at the actual restrictions rather than relying on your first impression of the situation.

4. Confusing Acceptance With Allowing Poor Treatment

You cannot control how someone treats you, but that doesn’t mean you have to remain available for behaviour that repeatedly affects you.

For example, a relative makes personal comments about your appearance whenever you meet. You may not be able to change their opinions, but you can tell them that these comments are unwelcome.

You can also decide to end the conversation or spend less time in situations where your boundary is repeatedly ignored.

Acceptance means recognising what the other person is choosing to do. It doesn’t mean agreeing with it or giving up your right to respond.

5. Judging Every Decision by Its Outcome

You decide after considering the information available to you. Later, the outcome isn’t what you expected.

You might immediately question yourself and think you should have known better.

For example, you choose a particular training course after comparing its fees, schedule, and content. Once you start, you realise that the teaching style doesn’t suit you. You can acknowledge that the choice didn’t work out without treating it as proof that you cannot make good decisions.

Look at what information you had at the time and what you know now. There may be something useful to learn, but you don’t need to take responsibility for details you couldn’t reasonably have known.

What Psychology Says About Control and Coping

The three-circle model is often discussed alongside psychological research on personal control and coping. These ideas can help explain why people respond differently to situations they cannot fully manage.

However, it’s important to understand that Covey’s model is a practical framework, not a psychological diagnosis or a treatment method.

Locus of Control: How You View Your Own Influence

Psychologist Julian Rotter introduced the concept of locus of control in 1966.

It describes how people understand the relationship between their actions and the outcomes they experience.

Someone with a more internal locus of control tends to believe their actions can influence what happens. Someone with a more external locus of control may place greater importance on circumstances, chance, or other people’s decisions.

For example, two people may face the same difficulty while learning a new skill. One may look for ways to improve through practice, while the other may believe that their progress depends mostly on natural ability.

However, these are not fixed descriptions of a person’s character. Your sense of control can differ across areas of life, depending on your experience and the circumstances involved.

Rotter’s work is related to the Circle of Control, but the two concepts are not the same. Locus of control examines people’s expectations about outcomes, whereas Covey’s model helps you consider where to direct your efforts.⁵

You can explore our guide to locus of control for a more detailed explanation of this psychological concept.

Coping Flexibility: Why One Response Doesn’t Fit Every Situation

People don’t always need the same response when dealing with difficult circumstances.

Sometimes speaking up is useful. At other times, gathering information, changing your plans, or waiting until you understand the situation better may be more appropriate.

Research by Cheng, Lau, and Chan found a positive relationship between coping flexibility and psychological adjustment. Their findings suggest that being able to adjust your coping approach to different situations is relevant to how people manage stressful life changes.[4]

Consider someone who has recently taken on additional responsibilities at work. They may initially try to manage everything independently. After realising that the workload is too much, they might discuss priorities with their supervisor or ask for clearer deadlines.

Changing their approach doesn’t mean they have failed. It means the original way of handling the situation is no longer suitable.

This research examined coping flexibility, not the three-circle model itself. It supports the wider discussion about adapting to circumstances, rather than proving that using the circles improves mental health.

Perceived Control: Changing Circumstances or Adjusting Yourself

A study by Rothbaum, Weisz, and Snyder explored two ways people experience control.[3]

The first involves trying to change the environment to meet personal needs. The second involves adjusting yourself to circumstances that cannot readily be changed.

For example, someone who has moved to a smaller home may initially keep comparing it with their previous living space. Over time, they might reconsider how they use the available rooms and make changes that suit their current needs.

This doesn’t mean they have to pretend they prefer the new home. They can still miss the old one while finding ways to make their present circumstances more comfortable.

The study offers a useful perspective on the relationship between control and adjustment. It did not directly test Covey’s three-circle framework.

Focus on Your Next Available Step

The Circle of Control, Circle of Influence, and Circle of Concern offer a useful way to look at situations where your decisions and other people’s choices overlap.

You can take responsibility for your actions, explain your concerns, and make requests. But you cannot make every person agree with you or ensure that every situation turns out as expected.

Sometimes you need to speak up, sometimes you need to reconsider your plans, and sometimes you have to accept that a decision belongs to someone else.

You may still feel disappointed or wish things had gone differently. That doesn’t mean you have misunderstood the model or failed to manage your emotions.

The next time you find yourself caught up in something you cannot fully decide, ask yourself:

Am I taking responsibility for my part, or am I trying to manage something that belongs to someone else?

Your answer may help you see what needs your attention and what you can leave for others to decide.

You don’t have to control the whole situation to make a thoughtful decision about your next step.

Related Articles

• Circle of Control Examples – Real-life examples of control, influence, and concern.
• Circle of Control Worksheet – A practical exercise to apply the framework.
• Locus of Control – The psychology behind feeling empowered or powerless.

People Also Ask

1. Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press. (Original work published 1946). ↩︎
2. Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Restoring the character ethic. Free Press. ↩︎
3. Rothbaum, F., Weisz, J. R., & Snyder, S. S. (1982). Changing the world and changing the self: A two-process model of perceived control. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 42(1), 5–37. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.42.1.5 ↩︎
4. Cheng, C., Lau, H.-P. B., & Chan, M.-P. S. (2014). Coping flexibility and psychological adjustment to stressful life changes: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 140(6), 1582–1607. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037913 ↩︎
5. Rotter, J. B. (1966). Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement. Psychological Monographs: General and Applied, 80(1), 1–28. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0092976 ↩︎