6 Ways To Stop Emotional Shut Down During Arguments

Have you ever had one of those days when your heart wants to curl up and hide? When the world seems too loud, demanding, or overwhelming, you only want to retreat into your shell. If this sounds familiar, you’ve probably experienced what psychologists call an ‘ emotional shut down emotional shut down.’

Although often misconstrued, this phenomenon is widespread and has significant implications for our mental health and relationships with others. So, let’s dive in and unravel the mystery behind emotional shut down – what it is, why it happens, and most importantly, how we can better navigate these emotional waters.

What is an Emotional Shut down?

Emotional shutdown refers to a state where an individual suppresses their feelings or emotions, essentially becoming emotionally numb. This often happens as a defense mechanism during intense stress, fear, or trauma when the emotional burden becomes too overwhelming.

Like stonewalling and dissociation, an emotional shutdown can manifest in various ways, such as withdrawal from social interactions, decreased communication, or lack of emotional reactions. Even though it can provide temporary relief, chronic emotional shutdown can harm a person’s mental health and interpersonal relationships. ^[1]

Physical Manifestation of Emotional Shutdown

Cortisol and adrenaline, the body’s primary stress hormones, play a vital role in emotional shut down. While they are essential for short-term stress, chronic emotional shut downs can lead to health issues. Managing emotional shut down is crucial for healthier relationships^[2] and preventing adverse health effects from chronic stress.

According to a 2016 study that monitored 156 couples for 15 years, the emotional shut down was linked to acute musculoskeletal complaints such as backaches, stiff necks, and generalized muscle pains.^[3]

Related : How To Heal Emotional Triggers: 7 Easy Hacks That Will Blow Your Mind

Symptoms of Emotional shut down

Signs of emotional shutdown on your behaviour^[1]:

• Lack of emotional responsiveness: Individuals may be unable to feel joy, sadness, or other emotions.
• Feeling detached or disconnected: They might feel like they’re observing their own life from a distance or through a glass wall.
• Physical numbness or tingling: Some people might experience physical sensations associated with emotional numbness.
• Difficulty with memory or concentration: Emotional shut down can affect cognitive functions.
• Lack of interest or motivation: Activities that once brought pleasure might not hold the same appeal.
• Frequent vague or unexplained physical symptoms may include headaches, stomach aches, or fatigue.
• Emotional exhaustion: A feeling of being emotionally drained all the time.
• Indifference towards plans: They might not care or envision future events or outcomes.
• Inability to express emotions: Difficulty in expressing feelings or emotions when it is usually appropriate.

Emotional Shut down As A Self Coping Mechanism

Emotional shut down often serves as a self-coping mechanism, a way for the mind to protect itself from emotional discomfort or trauma. When we encounter situations beyond our emotional capacity, our brain may temporarily switch off our emotions, creating a state of emotional shut down or disconnect. This is akin to the body’s physical response to danger—fight or flight; only in this case, it’s fight, flight, or freeze.

While this emotional withdrawal may provide immediate relief, enabling us to navigate a stressful situation, it can become problematic if it becomes a chronic response. Over time, frequent emotional shut downs can lead to various mental health issues, including depression and anxiety, and may also harm our ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. Understanding this can be the first step toward developing more beneficial coping strategies and emotional resilience. 

Why do people get emotionally shut down?

Interpersonal conflicts and dysfunctional relationships can trigger an emotional shutdown, leaving us feeling helpless, frustrated, and disconnected. Constant arguments, criticism, or emotional neglect can take their toll, leaving us longing for safety and understanding.

For some, certain mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or personality disorders can make emotional shut down more likely. These conditions can make it challenging to process and communicate emotions effectively, intensifying the need to withdraw.

Societal and cultural factors play a role in the emotional shut down. In societies that view emotional expression as a weakness, conforming to these expectations can lead to shutting down our emotions.

Understanding the root causes of the emotional shut down is vital. It empowers us to develop effective coping strategies and seek our needed support.

RELATED: Why People With PTSD Use Emotional Avoidance to Cope

John Gottman Theory

John Gottman, a preeminent psychologist and relationship expert, identifies emotional shu tdown, also known as stonewalling, as one of the “Four Horsemen” that can predict relationship failure.

According to Gottman, individuals resort to emotional shut down or numbness to escape overwhelming emotions during high-stress or high-conflict situations. This coping mechanism can create feelings of rejection and isolation in the other partner, further escalating the conflict.

Gottman suggests that the antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing, where the person feeling overwhelmed takes a break to calm down and reduce intense emotions before returning to the conversation. 

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a defensive communication tactic often used during heated discussions or arguments. A person is said to be stonewalling when they deliberately avoid engaging in a conversation, sharing pertinent information, or addressing issues.

This can manifest as giving the silent treatment, being unresponsive, or evading questions. While it’s a common phenomenon in interpersonal relationships, stonewalling can lead to a breakdown in communication and exacerbate conflicts if not addressed.

Causes of Stonewalling

• Causes of Stonewalling:
• Response to intense conflict or criticism
• Protection mechanism against perceived threats or overwhelm
• A coping mechanism to avoid emotional discomfort
• Relationship dynamics and avoidance of confrontations
• Personal temperament and past experiences
• Coping strategy for individuals with certain personality traits or those who have experienced trauma or rejection
• Influenced by societal norms and expectations, such as self-reliance and stoicism
• Understanding the causes helps in recognizing and seeking appropriate support or intervention.

Often, stonewalling is a behavior adopted during one’s formative years. It could be a strategy witnessed by parental figures to maintain harmony within the family or assert control over family dynamics.

Despite the seemingly intentional and aggressive nature of stonewalling, it’s critical to understand that it’s frequently employed by individuals grappling with powerlessness or low self-esteem. Stonewalling might serve as a coping mechanism in these cases, providing an avenue for compensating for such feelings.

Emotional Shut down in Arguments

Emotional shut down during arguments can take various forms:

1. Conversational Disengagement
2. Defensive Shutdown
3. Aggressive Shutdown
4. Indifferent Shutdown
5. Manipulative Shutdown

1. Conversational Disengagement 

Conversational disengagement refers to the act of withdrawing from a conversation, limiting participation, or avoiding meaningful interaction during a discussion. This behavior often manifests as a coping method during challenging or uncomfortable conversations, but it can stifle communication and create barriers to resolving conflicts.

 Examples

1. Silent Treatment: This is a common form of conversational disengagement where an individual responds to discussion or argument with silence, refusing to contribute further.
2. Ignoring: This involves not acknowledging the other person’s statements or questions, demonstrating a lack of interest or concern for the conversation.
3. Physical Disengagement occurs when an individual physically removes themselves from the discussion, such as leaving the room or turning away.
4. Changing the Subject: Here, the individual deliberately shifts the topic of conversation to avoid addressing the current issue or argument.
5. Using Electronic Devices: A person may turn their attention to electronic devices, such as smartphones or laptops, signaling a lack of engagement in the ongoing discussion.

2. Defensive Shut down 

Defensive shutdown refers to becoming overly defensive and refusing to listen to the other person’s point of view during a conversation or argument. It’s a self-protective mechanism that individuals resort to when they feel attacked or criticized, but it hinders open and healthy communication. 

Examples:

1. Denial: This involves outright denying the existence of an issue or problem. The individual refuses to acknowledge the situation, which prevents any progress toward resolution.
2. Deflection: Instead of addressing the issue, the individual shifts the blame to another person or situation. This avoids responsibility and can create additional conflict.
3. Rationalization: Here, the individual justifies their actions or behavior rather than acknowledging the other person’s feelings or perspective. They create logical, yet often inaccurate, explanations for their behavior.
4. Counter-attack: This involves responding to a perceived attack with an attack of their own. Instead of addressing the issue, the person strikes back, escalating the conflict.
5. Victimizing Self: This is when the individual portrays themselves as the victim to divert blame and attention from their actions.

4. Aggressive Shut down

Aggressive shutdown means ending a conversation or argument abruptly by resorting to aggressive behaviors or tactics. It often stems from anger, frustration, or inability to communicate one’s thoughts and feelings effectively. This approach disrupts open and healthy communication, escalating conflicts and damaging relationships. 

  Examples

1. Yelling: One of the most common forms of aggressive shutdown, yelling involves raising one’s voice to an excessive volume. This is often used to express anger or frustration and to intimidate the other party into silence.
2. Sarcasm: In this case, the individual uses sarcastic remarks or humor as a form of passive-aggressive behavior to undermine the other person’s viewpoint.
3. Over-Talk: This type of aggressive shutdown occurs when one party continuously talks without allowing the other the chance to speak, effectively suppressing their perspective.
4. Dismissive Comments: These are sarcastic, derogatory, or dismissive comments that invalidate the other person’s point of view, feelings, or concerns.
5. Threats: In extreme cases, the individual may resort to threats or other forms of intimidation to forcefully end the conversation or argument.

5. Indifferent Shut down

Indifferent shutdown refers to the act of emotionally distancing oneself during a conversation or argument, showing a lack of interest or concern in the topic or the other party’s feelings. This can be a defense mechanism to avoid discomfort or confrontation, but it can also indicate a lack of respect or empathy, which disrupts healthy communication. 

Examples

1. Disinterest: The individual may show a blatant lack of interest in the conversation by not responding appropriately or displaying nonchalant behavior. This can be perceived as dismissive or uncaring.
2. Superficial Responses: One form of indifferent shutdown is responding with simple or generic answers, such as “whatever” or “I don’t care,” which indicate a lack of engagement or investment in resolving the issue.
3. Body Language: An individual might employ closed-off body language, such as crossed arms or averted gaze, to signal disengagement from the conversation.
4. Monosyllabic Answers: Giving short, one-word answers is another common way to exhibit indifferent shutdown. Such responses inhibit in-depth discussion and convey detachment.
5. Delayed or Unresponsive Communication: This involves not answering questions timely or not responding at all, signifying indifference to the conversation or the individual concerned.

6. Manipulative Shut down

Manipulative shutdown refers to the use of manipulative tactics to control a conversation or argument. It involves deceitful or exploitative behavior to steer the discussion in a desired direction, often to avoid responsibility, alter perceptions, or gain an unfair advantage. This approach can harm communication dynamics, fostering mistrust and resentment. 

EXAMPLES

1. Gaslighting: This involves the manipulative tactic of causing someone to question their memory, perception, or sanity, thereby diverting the focus of the conversation.
2. Guilt Tripping: The individual uses guilt to control or influence the conversation. They may suggest that the other party is causing them distress or disappointment, shifting the focus from the actual issue.
3. Emotional Blackmail is when the person uses their or the other person’s emotions to pressure, intimidate or manipulate them into agreeing or giving in to their demands.
4. Playing Dumb: In this case, the individual pretends not to understand the issue to avoid discussing or dealing with it.
5. Diverting and Distorting: This involves changing the topic of conversation or distorting facts to suit one’s narrative, thereby leading the discussion astray.

Emotional Shut down As a Barrier to Self-Growth

The emotional shutdown can significantly obstruct personal growth and development. It acts as a barrier to self-understanding, hampers healthy communication, and restricts the ability to form and maintain fulfilling relationships. When an individual consistently relies on emotional shutdown as a coping mechanism, they may be stuck in a repetitive cycle of unproductive behavior. This can lead to stagnation, preventing any meaningful personal or emotional growth.

 Moreover, being unable to express or handle emotions effectively can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and mental health issues if left unchecked. Overcoming emotional shutdown fosters emotional intelligence, resilience, and overall personal growth.

Overcoming Emotional Shutdown: Steps and Strategies

Overcoming emotional shutdown requires self-awareness, understanding, and effective communication. Here are some steps and strategies:

Self-Awareness: Recognize when you are entering into a state of emotional shutdown. Pay attention to physical cues, like increased heart rate or feeling overwhelmed. Acknowledging these feelings can be the first step towards addressing them.

Understanding the Root Cause: Identify the underlying issues or experiences that trigger an emotional shut down. This could stem from past traumas or unresolved conflicts. 

Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, like deep breathing or meditation, can help manage the immediate emotional response to the shutdown. It can also provide a calming effect, enabling better decision-making.

Express Feelings Constructively: Instead of resorting to shutdown behaviors, strive to express your feelings and thoughts in an open, honest, and constructive manner. This could involve using “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming others.

Seek Professional Help: If the emotional shut down is causing significant distress or hindering your relationships, it might be beneficial to seek help from a mental health professional therapist may help. They can provide guidance, therapeutic strategies, and support to navigate these challenges.

Frequently Asked Questions

References

1. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01534/full
2. Fischer DJ, Fink BC. Clinical processes in behavioral couples therapy. Psychotherapy (Chic). 2014;51(1):11-4. doi:10.1037/a0033823(opens in a new tab)Fischer DJ, Fink BC. Clinical processes in behavioral couples therapy. Psychotherapy (Chic). 2014;51(1):11-4. doi:10.1037/a0033823
3. Haase CM, Holley SR, Bloch L, Verstaen A, Levenson RW. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion. 2016;16(7):965-977. doi:10.1037/a0040239(opens in a new tab)Haase CM, Holley SR, Bloch L, Verstaen A, Levenson RW. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion. 2016;16(7):965-977. doi:10.1037/a0040239