11 Shadow Work Exercises for Beginners (With Examples)

What Are Shadow Work Exercises?

Shadow work exercises help you look at feelings and behaviors you don’t always like admitting. The idea comes from psychologist Carl Jung, who used the term shadow to describe parts of ourselves we may hide, reject, or find difficult to accept.¹

For example, a friend tells you about a promotion. You’re happy for them, but you also feel jealous. Maybe you’ve been working hard and wish someone would notice your efforts too.

Instead of feeling guilty about your reaction, you could write down what bothered you. Was it your friend’s success, or were you disappointed about your own situation? You might feel both.

If you’re unsure where to begin, these shadow work questions can give you something specific to write about.

Shadow work isn’t a proven treatment for trauma or mental health conditions. You can use these exercises to think about your feelings without assuming there’s something wrong with you.

How Do Shadow Work Exercises Work?

Imagine your friends invite you on a hike. You’d rather stay home, but everyone seems excited, so you say yes.

Halfway through, you’re tired and annoyed. You start complaining about the weather and wondering why you agreed to come.

Later, you think about what happened. Were you worried your friends would be disappointed if you said no? Or did you expect to enjoy the hike and realize it wasn’t for you?

You can try a simple shadow work exercise by writing down:

• What happened? My friends invited me hiking, and I said yes.
• What did I want? I wanted a quiet afternoon at home.
• What didn’t I say? I wasn’t interested in hiking.
• What upset me? I spent the afternoon doing something I didn’t enjoy.
• What could I do next time? I could suggest meeting everyone for dinner instead.

If you often agree to things you’d rather not do, our guide on how to stop being overly nice looks at why saying no can feel uncomfortable and how to handle those conversations.

But one disappointing afternoon doesn’t necessarily mean you have a habit of pleasing others. Maybe you simply changed your mind about the hike.

The exercise gives you a chance to look at what you said, what you wanted, and what you could try next time. You don’t have to find a hidden reason behind every choice.

11 Shadow Work Exercises for Beginners (With Examples)

These shadow work exercises ask you to look at things you’ve said, done, or kept to yourself. Some focus on everyday reactions, while others involve writing about past experiences or thoughts you find difficult to admit.

Pick one that interests you and use a notebook to answer the questions. Start with something you feel comfortable writing about. You can skip an exercise if it brings up more than you want to deal with.

If you prefer having questions ready before you begin, our shadow work journal prompts offer more ideas for writing about relationships.

11 Shadow Work Exercises for Beginners (With Examples)

You may notice things about yourself that are hard to admit. Perhaps you feel jealous when a friend succeeds, get upset by a small comment, or agree to something and regret it later.

These 11 shadow work exercises give you questions to write about those moments. Choose one situation you remember clearly. You don’t have to write about painful memories or find a deeper meaning behind everything you feel.

1. Notice What Upset You

You’ve arranged lunch with a friend and travelled across town to meet her. An hour before you’re supposed to meet, she cancels.

You reply, “That’s fine,” but you’re annoyed. You’ve already spent money getting there and turned down another invitation.

Later, she sends another message. You read it but don’t reply.

Try this exercise:

Write down:

• What happened before I became upset?
• What did I feel when she cancelled?
• What did I do afterward?
• What bothered me most?

You may have been disappointed about missing lunch, annoyed about the wasted journey, or hurt that she gave you so little notice.

Research by Kashdan et al. discusses how telling similar feelings apart may help people understand upsetting experiences. The research doesn’t prove that shadow work improves emotional regulation.²

You could tell your friend, “I understand things come up, but I’d appreciate more notice next time.”

If you notice similar reactions in other situations, our guide to emotional triggers and examples may help you think about what upset you.

2. Separate What Happened From What You Assumed

Your manager says, “We’ll need to look at your report again.”

You immediately worry that you’ve done a poor job. During the rest of the meeting, you barely speak. That evening, you’re still thinking about whether your manager is disappointed in you.

But what did she actually say?

Try this exercise:

Divide a notebook page into two columns.

What happened	What I assumed
My manager asked to review the report.	She thinks my work is poor.
She wanted two figures changed.	I’ve disappointed her.
She asked for an updated copy.	She doesn’t trust me.

Read your assumptions again.

Did your manager actually say those things, or are you guessing what she thinks?

She may be unhappy with part of your work. She may also need the figures corrected before an important meeting.

You could ask, “Apart from those figures, is there anything else you’d like me to improve?”

Our article on emotional reasoning explains how feeling embarrassed or worried can sometimes make an assumption seem true.

3. Notice When You Keep Agreeing to Extra Work

On Monday, a colleague asks you to check something just before you’re due to leave. You agree, although you’re already running late.

On Wednesday, someone asks you to take notes during a meeting. You agree because nobody else volunteers.

By Friday, you’re complaining that everyone expects too much from you.

Try this exercise:

Think of three recent requests and answer:

• What was I asked to do?
• Did I have enough time?
• What did I say?
• Was I worried about refusing?
• What actually happened when I agreed?

You may be uncomfortable disappointing people. Or perhaps you regularly think a task will take less time than it does.

Those aren’t necessarily the same problem.

Next time, you could say, “Let me check what I need to finish before I agree.”

If saying yes has become something you do without thinking, read our guide on how to stop being overly nice.

4. Look at What Bothers You About Someone Else

A colleague often talks about her achievements. She mentions good feedback, successful projects, and compliments from clients.

Whenever she speaks, you feel irritated. You’ve even described her as arrogant to another colleague.

But is she actually behaving unfairly, or does hearing about her success bring up something about your own work?

Try this exercise:

Describe what she did without judging her personality.

Instead of writing:

“She thinks she’s better than everyone.”

Write:

“She spoke about a project she finished and mentioned that her manager praised her work.”

Now ask yourself:

• Did she interrupt or dismiss anyone?
• Was she taking credit for someone else’s work?
• Do I wish my own work received more attention?
• Would I feel differently if someone else shared the same news?

You might decide she’s been inconsiderate. You might also realize you’ve been waiting for recognition yourself.

In Jungian psychology, projection describes attributing something of ourselves to someone else. But finding another person annoying doesn’t prove you share the same trait.

Our article on projection in communication looks at how people sometimes make assumptions about others.

5. Notice How You Act Around Different People

At work, you ask questions and explain when you disagree.

At family gatherings, you behave differently. When someone makes a comment you dislike, you laugh or change the subject.

With close friends, you’re usually more comfortable saying how you feel.

Try this exercise:

Write about three situations.

Situation	What I usually do	What I hold back
At work	Speak openly during meetings	Worry about sounding too direct
With family	Change the subject during arguments	Admit when a comment hurts
With friends	Talk about most things	Ask for help when I need it

Look at one difference.

Do you stay quiet around certain relatives because past disagreements became unpleasant? Or do you simply prefer not to discuss personal matters with them?

You don’t have to share the same amount with everyone.

If a family member regularly makes jokes you dislike, you could prepare a sentence such as:

“I know you meant that as a joke, but I didn’t find it funny.”

You can decide whether saying it would be appropriate.

6. Write a Letter You Don’t Have to Send

At a family dinner, someone makes a joke about your weight.

Everyone laughs, including you. You don’t want to make the evening uncomfortable, so you stay quiet.

Months later, you still remember the comment.

Try this exercise:

Begin a letter with:

“There’s something I didn’t say that evening.”

Then write:

• What did the person say?
• How did I react?
• What was I feeling?
• What did I want them to understand?
• Do I want to do anything about it now?

You could write:

“When you joked about my weight, I laughed because I felt embarrassed. I didn’t want everyone looking at me. I wish I’d told you not to comment on my body.”

You can keep the letter, tear it up, or use part of it if you decide to have a conversation.

You don’t have to send it.

Mogk et al. reviewed studies on writing about stressful and traumatic experiences. Their meta-analysis found no statistically significant overall health benefit across the outcomes examined.³

That research didn’t test Jungian shadow work. It also doesn’t mean everyone will find writing helpful or unhelpful.

If writing becomes too upsetting, you can stop. Our emotional release journal prompts offer other writing topics, but you don’t have to continue with distressing material.

7. Question the Harsh Things You Say to Yourself

You send a work document with the wrong date.

Someone notices it, and you correct the mistake.

But later, you’re still thinking, “I’m so careless. I always embarrass myself.”

One mistake has turned into a judgment about everything you do.

Try this exercise:

Write down the thought exactly as it came to you.

What I told myself: “I always mess things up.”

What happened: “I entered the wrong date in one document.”

What I did afterward: “I corrected it and sent the updated version.”

What I could do next time: “I’ll check important dates before sending documents.”

You can admit that you made a mistake without calling yourself incompetent.

You may still feel embarrassed. You don’t have to pretend otherwise.

If this kind of self-talk happens often, our article about reframing your thoughts gives more examples.

8. Think About an Old Memory Without Jumping to Conclusions

A friend invites you to sing karaoke. You enjoy music, but you immediately refuse.

Later, you remember singing at a school event where another student laughed at your voice.

You haven’t sung in front of a group for years.

It’s possible that the school experience still bothers you. But it doesn’t automatically explain why you avoid karaoke today.

Try this exercise:

Choose an ordinary memory you feel comfortable writing about.

Answer:

• What do I remember happening?
• What did I think about myself afterward?
• How did I react at the time?
• Do I avoid anything similar today?
• Could there be another reason?

You may remember feeling embarrassed at school. You may also simply dislike performing in front of people.

If you want to sing with a close friend, you could try it and see how you feel.

If you’d rather not, that’s also a choice.

Our article on healing from childhood criticism discusses experiences of criticism in more detail. But one uncomfortable memory isn’t proof that you’ve experienced trauma.

Don’t try to recover memories you can’t clearly remember or force yourself to revisit something painful.

9. Try the 3-2-1 Shadow Work Exercise

The 3-2-1 shadow process is associated with Ken Wilber’s Integral approach. It asks you to write about a situation from three points of view.

Suppose your brother often raises his voice during family disagreements.

You dislike shouting and usually leave the room. Afterward, you sometimes avoid speaking to him for several days.

Here’s how to write about that situation.

Step 1: Write about the other person

Use he, she, or they.

“He raised his voice when our father questioned his plans. I felt uncomfortable and left the room.”

Describe what happened without guessing his intentions.

Step 2: Write what you’d like to say

Use you.

“When you raise your voice, I find it difficult to keep talking. I’d rather discuss things when we’re both speaking normally.”

You don’t have to show him what you’ve written.

Step 3: Write about your own reaction

Use I.

“I dislike shouting, but I also avoid saying it when I’m angry. Sometimes I stop speaking to someone instead of telling them what upset me.”

You might decide to discuss the disagreement later. You might also keep your distance if these conversations repeatedly become unpleasant.

Gross (2015) explains that people manage emotions in different ways, including changing a situation or choosing how to respond. His research doesn’t test the 3-2-1 shadow exercise.[4]

Noticing that you avoid conflict doesn’t make you responsible for someone else’s shouting.

For more examples of how people respond when upset, see our guide to building emotional agility.

10. Keep a Shadow Work Journal for Seven Days

You don’t need a major argument to find something worth writing about.

Perhaps you tell a friend you’re busy because you don’t want to attend a party. Later, you wonder why you felt uncomfortable saying you’d rather spend the evening alone.

For seven days, answer one question each evening.

Day	Journal question
1	When did I say I was fine even though something bothered me?
2	Did I agree to something I didn’t want to do?
3	Was there anything I wanted but felt embarrassed asking for?
4	Did I assume I knew what someone thought of me?
5	When did I avoid giving an honest answer?
6	What was I proud of but hesitant to mention?
7	Which answer would I like to think about again?

For Day 6, you might write:

“I finished a difficult project, but when my manager congratulated me, I said it wasn’t a big deal. I was actually pleased with my work.”

Why was accepting the compliment uncomfortable?

Maybe you didn’t want to sound boastful. Or perhaps you prefer keeping achievements private.

You don’t need to write an important lesson every day.

Some entries may be a few lines long. Others may leave you with questions you want to think about later.

Keep your journal somewhere private if that makes writing easier.

11. Read an Old Entry and Consider What You’d Do Differently

After trying a few exercises, return to something you’ve written.

Choose an experience that’s likely to happen again.

For example, a friend compliments a drawing you’ve spent several evenings working on.

You immediately reply, “It’s not very good.”

But before she commented, you were pleased with it.

Try this exercise:

Answer four questions:

What happened? My friend complimented my drawing.

What did I say? “It’s not very good.”

What did I feel? I was pleased that she noticed my work, but accepting praise felt uncomfortable.

What could I say next time? “Thank you. I spent a lot of time on it.”

If someone compliments your work again, you could try accepting the compliment without immediately pointing out its flaws.

You might also decide there’s nothing you want to change.

Your notes don’t have to lead to a new habit or a difficult conversation. Sometimes they simply remind you what happened and how you felt about it.

Choose what feels useful and leave the rest.

Does Shadow Work Help With Emotional Regulation?

Shadow work exercises may help you notice how you react when you’re upset, but research hasn’t yet shown that they improve emotional regulation.

Remember the hike you agreed to even though you wanted to stay home? The next time your friends invite you, you might say, “I’ll skip the hike, but I’d love to meet you for dinner.”

You may still worry about disappointing them, but this time you’ve said what you want instead of agreeing to something you’ll probably regret.

Psychologist James Gross explains that managing emotions isn’t just about feeling calm. It can also involve changing what you do in a situation or choosing how to respond when you’re upset. His research doesn’t specifically test shadow work exercises.⁴

If you often struggle with speaking up or handling uncomfortable feelings, our guide on building emotional agility looks at ways to notice your reactions and decide what to do next.

Writing about an earlier experience might help you prepare for another one. You may still feel nervous, change your mind, or decide that a conversation isn’t worth having. That’s something you can consider without treating every uncomfortable feeling as a problem to fix.

Did Carl Jung Create Shadow Work Exercises?

Not exactly. Carl Jung introduced the idea of the shadow, but he didn’t create all the shadow work exercises you see today.

Jung believed that people sometimes hide feelings or parts of their personality because they don’t like admitting them. For example, someone who sees themselves as patient might find it difficult to admit when they’re angry.[1]

Many of today’s shadow work journals, writing prompts, and worksheets came later. They use some of Jung’s ideas but turn them into questions you can answer about your own experiences.

The 3-2-1 shadow process is one example. It’s linked to Ken Wilber’s Integral approach, not Jung’s original work. In this exercise, you write about another person, imagine speaking directly to them, and then look at how the same feeling or behavior might show up in your own life.

If you’d like to try some of these activities, our shadow work questions and prompts offer a place to start.

How to Practise Shadow Work Safely

Start with something that happened recently, such as a disagreement or a comment that bothered you. You don’t have to write about your most painful experience to try shadow work.

Notice how you feel while writing. If you become upset, lose concentration, or find yourself going over the same memory again and again, you can stop. There’s no benefit you need to prove by finishing an exercise.

Start With Something That Feels Manageable

Say a friend borrowed your belongings without asking. You felt annoyed but didn’t mention it because you didn’t want an argument.

You could write down what happened, what bothered you, and whether you’d like to speak to your friend about it.

For example, you might decide to say, “Next time, please ask before borrowing my things.”

You can start with one question instead of writing several pages. Our shadow work journal questions offer other everyday situations to write about.

You don’t have to look for a childhood reason behind every uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes you’re upset because someone did something you didn’t like.

Stop If Writing Becomes Too Upsetting

Imagine you’re writing about an argument with your father. At first, you’re remembering what was said. Then your hands start shaking, you feel uneasy, or you can’t concentrate on what you’re writing.

Put the notebook down.

You could get a glass of water, walk around the room, or call someone you trust. Choose whatever feels comfortable rather than forcing yourself to continue.

If you notice that you’re still going over the argument hours later, you don’t have to return to the same exercise.

Our article on why you can’t relax even when nothing seems wrong discusses what it can feel like when you’re having trouble settling down after an upsetting experience.

Don’t Force Yourself to Remember the Past

Writing about school might remind you of a teacher who embarrassed you in front of your classmates.

You can write about what you remember without trying to fill in missing details or decide that this experience explains how you behave today.

You may remember the event clearly, partly, or differently from someone else who was there. Shadow work can’t tell you whether a forgotten memory happened or uncover memories reliably.

If you’ve experienced repeated criticism growing up, our article on healing from childhood criticism discusses how people may respond to those experiences later in life.

You don’t have to revisit upsetting memories to work on something that’s bothering you today.

Know When Talking to a Professional May Help More

You may find that writing about certain experiences leaves you frightened, brings back upsetting memories, or makes it difficult to sleep, work, or manage everyday tasks.

If that keeps happening, consider speaking with a qualified mental health professional. Someone experienced in trauma-informed care may be particularly helpful if your concerns involve past frightening or harmful experiences.

You can also ask for support before things become difficult to manage.

Journaling may help you put your thoughts into words, but you don’t have to keep doing it if it’s making you feel worse. A conversation with someone qualified to help may be a better place to start.

Common Shadow Work Mistakes to Avoid

When writing about an upsetting situation, you may begin with what happened and end up making guesses about someone’s intentions or blaming yourself for how you felt.

Here are four mistakes worth watching for.

1. Assuming You Know Why Someone Acted That Way

You’re having dinner with friends. One of them looks at her phone several times while you’re speaking.

Later, you write, “She finds me boring and doesn’t care what I have to say.”

But all you know is that she kept checking her phone.

She may have been waiting for an important message, distracted by something, or uninterested in the conversation. You don’t know which.

Write down what you saw:

“She checked her phone several times while I was talking. I felt ignored.”

If it happens again, you could say, “Is this a bad time to talk? We can catch up later.”

If you often find yourself guessing what others think of you, our article on projection of insecurities looks at how your own worries may influence what you assume about someone else.

2. Blaming Yourself for Feeling Jealous

Your friend tells you she’s bought her first house. You congratulate her, ask about the move, and feel pleased for her.

Later, you return to your rented apartment and feel jealous.

You write, “I’m a terrible friend. I shouldn’t feel this way.”

Instead, look at what was bothering you.

Perhaps you’ve been saving for a deposit, but house prices keep rising. Or you’re tired of moving whenever your landlord decides to sell.

You could write:

“I’m happy for my friend, but I’m disappointed that buying a home still feels out of reach for me.”

That doesn’t make you a bad friend.

You can be pleased about someone else’s good news while wishing your own circumstances were different.

3. Trying to Explain Something You Don’t Know

Your sister changes the subject while you’re telling her about a problem at work.

You feel hurt and spend twenty minutes writing about why she might have done it.

Was she bored? Did she think your problem was unimportant? Was she deliberately avoiding the conversation?

You keep coming up with explanations, but you weren’t answered.

Instead, write:

“I was talking about work when my sister changed the subject. I felt dismissed, but I don’t know why she did it.”

You could ask her about it later if the conversation still matters to you.

Or you might decide to leave it alone.

You can finish a journal entry without settling every question.

4. Looking for a Personal Flaw When There’s a Real Problem

Your manager often sends urgent requests just before you’re due to leave work.

You stay late, miss your usual train, and arrive home exhausted.

When you write about your frustration, you start wondering whether you’re too sensitive or have trouble dealing with authority.

But consider what’s actually happening.

Are these tasks part of your agreed responsibilities? How often are you expected to work beyond your usual hours? Has your manager explained which tasks should take priority?

Those questions may be more useful than judging your personality.

You could say:

“I can work on this now, but I won’t have time to finish the other report. Which one would you like me to prioritise?”

If taking on other people’s responsibilities has become a regular problem, our article on constantly putting others’ needs before your own covers similar situations.

You can write about feeling frustrated, but you may also need to address the workload itself.

Final Thoughts

You may notice something uncomfortable while doing shadow work. Perhaps you don’t like admitting when you’re jealous, you agree with people to avoid arguments, or you find it difficult to accept praise.

Writing these things down doesn’t mean you’ve discovered something wrong with yourself.

Maybe you want to handle a conversation differently next time. Maybe you realize your reaction made sense given what happened. Or perhaps you’re still unsure.

You can leave a question unanswered.

Shadow work exercises may give you a way to look at feelings you’ve kept to yourself, but they can’t tell you why someone acted a certain way or prove that an experience explains your behavior today.

If an exercise leaves you with something useful to say or do, take that with you. If it doesn’t, you don’t have to keep searching for an answer.

Shadow Work Exercises: Frequently Asked Questions

1. Jung, C. G. (1959). Aion: Researches into the phenomenology of the self (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.; Vol. 9, Part 2 of The collected works of C. G. Jung). Princeton University Press. ↩︎
2. Kashdan, T. B., Barrett, L. F., & McKnight, P. E. (2015). Unpacking emotion differentiation: Transforming unpleasant experience by perceiving distinctions in negativity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(1), 10–16. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721414550708 ↩︎
3. Mogk, C., Otte, S., Reinhold-Hurley, B., & Kröner-Herwig, B. (2006). Health effects of expressive writing on stressful or traumatic experiences: A meta-analysis. GMS Psycho-Social-Medicine, 3, Doc06. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19742069/ ↩︎
4. Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781 ↩︎